As an engaged woman of the digital age, I currently spend a lot of my time looking at wedding dresses online. Which means I spend a lot of my time looking at crap like the above. I can’t even begin to question what’s going on here.
I realize that I’m a unique bride in that I’m trying to have a super-casual backyard barbecue style wedding celebration, rather than the type of affair involving table assignments and chair covers. Regardless, there’s a whole lot of bad dresses in this world, and even more boring dresses. Ho-hum, identical looking numbers available by the dozen on every bridal site out there.
It’s a standardized formula: strapless, slim-fitting bodice, poofy full skirt, long-ass train that needs to be bustled.
I know a lot of women want to feel like a princess or whatever, and that’s fine. If poofy and bustle is your deal, by all means poof away. But why strapless? Pretty much no one looks good in strapless dresses, and all that material without straps to hold it up must require a strapless pushup bra made of titanium. I’m not trying to wear a bra at all on my wedding day. I’m free-boobing my way down that aisle or so help me.
Turns out I’m not alone in my dislike of strapless dresses.
Over on Slate, Katherine Goldstein’s article “Say Yes to a Different Dress: Down with the strapless wedding gown” reassures me that I’m not alone in my dislike of this style. My favorite feminists of Jezebel got in on the strapless bashing with the more aptly titled “Strapless Wedding Dresses, We Are on to Your Bullshit.”
Of course, I’m a monster for publicly airing these feelings, because exactly all of my married friends wore strapless gowns on their wedding day. They all looked gorgeous, so I’m sure I’m just overthinking it. But still. The I’m-getting-married diet plan has whittled my boobs down to an A minus cup size. A strapless dress just isn’t what needs to be happening in my life right now.
Now that we’ve clearly established what I don’t want, the question remains: What the hell do I want?
Since it’s going to be a casual reception, I’ve been leaning toward something short rather than full-length. And holy cow are there some ugly short wedding dresses out there! Here are the three most common, ungodly monstrosities that I’ve stumbled upon:
1. The Junior Prom
If the 16-year-old runway model can’t make this dress look good, what hope do I have? This dress looks like it would be more comfortable pounding wine coolers in the backseat of a Saturn sedan before going out to a fancy dinner at Red Lobster after the big dance.
2. The Mullet
It’s a reverse mullet actually: party in the front, business in the back. It’s the floor-length gown that will still let you flash some panties to the future mother-in-law.
3. Vintage/Hipster Douchecape
Okay, so I have a dislike for most things vintage, and that’s just my own personal preference. But come on with how stupid you look posed against that rented Chevy in your styled photographs. Unless you’re living the dream of the 1890s in Portlandia (Click that link, by the way. It’s worth 3 minutes of your time.) you’ve got no business pretending your life actually looks like this.
Percentage of chance that I just wander into Anthropologie one of these days and pick up a white sun dress and call it a day? Currently nearing 100.